Acrimony

Movies.

When I was younger, I loved going to the movies. For years, I went to the matinee showings with the Godfathers, before I gave them a kid to be godfathers to. Then I moved back to New York, met the (eventual) husband, and continued with my movie going lifestyle.

Then the kid came. After having the kid, I cannot commit to movies. Do you know what I can do in two hours and with $20 bucks?! If I’m going to see a movie, I want to know that they are very well made, with good actors playing characters I can relate to, with a subject that interests me, and no longer than two hours. If it’s from a book, then it needs to be really well made cause otherwise, I’ll be mad.

I don’t like super hero movies, except for Wonder Woman; I don’t like scary movies, but I’m dying to see The Quiet Place; period pieces and historical movies, need to be accurate cause I know my history and as far as fantasy is concern, please make it original, otherwise I’m going back to Game of Thrones.

Last night some of my lady friends and I went to see Tyler Perry’s Acrimony with Taraji P. Henson. I’m not going to review the movie, cause I don’t know how to do that, it’s a good movie, don’t get me wrong. But I’ll say this: What the hell?!? Are you kidding?!

It’s been on my mind since last night, and I just can’t stop thinking about it. We all left the theater thinking holy shit! That woman! I can’t imagine spending eighteen years in a life that I didn’t want, with someone that I didn’t want to be with, working mindlessly, waiting for something that it’s never going to make either one happy. Nor can I imagine getting so angry that I would be willing to give up my sanity. Also, quitting college wasn’t an option for me…

I’m a firm believer in personal responsibility. I have been held responsible for my actions and I hold people responsible for their actions. I also believe in being responsible for the consequences of said actions. For example, if I throw water in the air for the exclusive purpose of getting a wall wet and some of it gets on the floor, I’m responsible for cleaning the water on the floor. A lot of people that I know has a different attitude. Some people I know will say something like “well, I only wanted the water to hit the wall, so that’s the wet mess that I’m responsible for.” But that’s not true. Just because I only wanted the water to hit the wall, doesn’t mean that the water that didn’t hit the wall is not my responsibility. I’m responsible for throwing all the water, because I decided to throw the water.

I have the same train of thought for this movie. I understand that we all get carried away sometimes and love, fear and anger are inexplicably gut wrenching feelings. At what point do you stop, look around and realize that your life has gotten really out of hand? Would I know if I lost control of reality? I’ve been blinded by anger and I came back. Would that always be the case? Not that we would, but if the husband and I broke up, I would be hurt, yes, but would I be devastated? Would I be able to move on? Would he? The husband and I have ventured in to the dark side, pretty deep several times. It’s not easy coming back, but what’s the alternative? The idea of being miserable for any period of time for any reason sounds horrible to me. This is my life and the only one I get. I only want to spend it with people I like, doing what I want with a glass of wine on my hand. I don’t want to spend any (more) time angry and miserable.

And that’s the thing with the husband and I. Beyond the love, family, and history that we have, this is the life that we both want. This is the life that we both have been working very hard to get and maintain. We wanted a little family, we wanted me to stay home, we wanted a garden with chickens. We don’t have a big new house cause we don’t want the debt; we don’t need fancy expensive jewelry cause we rather drink delicious wine; the husband can tell when I have something on my mind, and I can tell when he’s stressed. I don’t keep secrets from him and I have no reasons to think that he does. In fact, he over shares. Everything we had ever asked of each other, we’ve gotten. We do daily check-ins cause neither of us wants to sleepwalk through this. It’s always a working progress. I don’t want to wake up two decades from now, wondering what I had done with my life.