Guilty

The first time we went out with out the kid, was the first Valentine’s Day after the she was born. The kid was less than two months old and my mother in law was visiting for the first time. We went for dinner, came right back and I felt guilty the entire time.

Now the kid goes to school twice a week. Normally, I sit outside the facility and take that time to write. Some times I write, some times I read, but more often than not, I’m reading celebrity gossip. The husband took a day off (which he never does) and we had some an adult time together. We went to the beach with a picnic, some wine, our pop-up tent and the entire day…

We were late picking her up.

As we were driving back in almost rush hour traffic, I was weaving in an out of the lanes somewhat dangerously, but I kept thinking that she was upset that we weren’t there yet. My fear was that all her little friends had been picked up, and she was there by herself. The husband had to tell me several times to slow down, and all I could say was, we should have left earlier! And he had the audacity to say something along the lines of “she’s fine, I’m sure she had a great time and hasn’t noticed that we’re not there yet”.

Every time we do something without the kid, I feel guilty. Really guilty. The first few times we did things without her, it was a real physical pain in the chest, guilt. One time the husband had to get mad and say “no Sus! We are not going back home until we’re done with dinner!” It’s gotten better, but not by much. The only times I don’t feel as guilty is when My mother in law has her. I know that the beba is spoiling her so that’s ok. This time I felt so guilty that since I knew we were going to the beach without her, I took her to the beach the day before! Just her and me. I wanted her to also have a beach day since her dad and I are so incredibly selfish that we decided to have fun without her! We are the worst!

I understand that its important for the husband and I to have time to ourselves, but my kid is not even four yet and she needs me! She misses me! She still crawls to our bed at night… that’s my little girl!

Since we were late, I didn’t get a chance to put on my jeans after the beach, so I sent the husband in to grab her. After a solid ten minutes, they came out and she was crying! I came out of the car running and picked her up and looked at my husband and I said: “I knew it!”

He laughed, and said, “ask her why she’s crying?”

“Why are you crying, Gordita?” I asked, and in between sobs she said

“Cause I want to go back inside with my friends!”

“Didn’t you miss me? I missed you…” I said

“I want to finish my art project with my friends!” Was her answer.

I put her in car seat, and didn’t talk to either one of them for the rest of the car drive!